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09 May 2018 @ 03:02 pm

ps. comment to be added and so on
Current Mood: happy
20 November 2015 @ 05:41 pm
today i had a job interview for forex, and i did alright. it's just that i have a luottohäiriömerkintä, because they asked if i mind them checking and i told them i don't mind, but that i do have one. that kind of crushed me because the pay would have been really really good (2050€ + extras) and i just want to work already. so then i they had me do this 4-page test in english and swedish about where mallorca is located and what forex is about as a company and what's a third of 555 and i was like just let me die please?????

what sucks even more is that i bought a new dress yesterday, just for the occasion so i would feel hella fly and confident, and now it's contaminated by my failires as an adult and generally a human being.

but reading my old entries i feel better. if i've been that unhappy and fucked up for such a long time, i'm doing incredibly well! like shit, i'm so strong and magical! i just wish i wouldn't look so useless in a document, just dead end jobs and shit grades from school, embarrassingly poor level of general knowledge. makes me think i'll have to run my own business to ever have an ok job.

i haven't really spoken to my mom in a year. i did meet her and victor for his birthday, and i really do miss him, but not having contact with my mom is incredibly good for
me. in summer i was randomly talking to niklas, and he asked if i've ever considered my mom might be a narcissist, and i think that's it. it made me incredibly sad for a long time, because developing that kind of socially crippling personality disorder really puts her suffering as a kid in a whole new persoective, and also it's heartbreaking how there's no hope for a better future for her. her parents just fucked up her and her life since day one. god i hate them.

what else. i still need lots of attention and reassurence. my relationship with ilmari is very strong and good these days though. we've survived drug addiction, almost alcoholism, crippling anxiety and depression, huge debt and poverty, unemployment, a megalomanic business that was doomed to fail, moving in with three roommates and me realizing i don't actually have a family, all within 18 months. so kudos to us!

i've managed to lose weight during our most intense period of not having money, which is ironic since i've lives on macaroni, crisps and fried potatoes because haven't afforded anything else lol. oh! i also got acne this spring!! fuck, the universe can be so cruel. i'm taking 100mg of zink to fight it, and it seems to work well. i also rub sea salt and olive oil on my face every evening and go to sleep with it on, and do honey facials every day (except the days when i'm too lazy). anyway, being poor has made me much more humble and less restless.

today it's friday and i really want to party.
06 March 2014 @ 01:10 pm
i have everything and i feel so uninspired.
all problems i've written about before, i've pretty much worked past them, which is perfect and dandy and all.
but i live on about the best spot in this city, i have a lovely lovely partner and we have a great relationship, i have a job that pays enough that i can buy myself some unif and pay the bills, i have a few friends but the ones i do have a really great, i'm going to tokyo for three week in may, i'm an independent adult.
i feel like i've misplaced half my emotions.
i'm starting to see drugs as an inevitable solution.

but in the end i wonder if it's just this fucking grayness. i think i need to move away from here in the winters to come.
i don't know. i guess i'll go buy a book or something. being alone is as difficult as ever.
06 October 2013 @ 04:01 pm
i really wish to keep this alive, at least when i remember that wish. even though old entries always make one cringe, it's still dandy to read them after years.

three months and two days ago, ilmari and i moved together. it was very soon, since we've only know each other for a year and a half and i've always frowned upon people who commit too fast, but i've come to realize committing is key.

currently i'm feeling extremely mellow, and a tiny bit melancholic. it's a perfect autumn morning, the sun is shining and the air is crisp. i've been very sad lately, i don't know why. it might just be because of work. i feel like everything is moving so rapidly, yet standing still. i have no direction, but my life almost feels as it's over. i don't know how to relax anymore. i never read any books anymore, i've lost my ability to appreciate trivial things. when i have days off i just hang around the house and spend hours on the internet which always ends up pissing me off. i'm having several appointments for psychiatrists, psychologists and regular doctors and i'm trying to get them to prescribe me xanax or whatever, to sell, i tell myself and everyone, but on the other hand i really just want my mind to be misty. on sunday i suddenly realized i felt like myself for the first time in weeks. i felt like the loving, loser, happy person i am. lately i've been so tired and sad and snappy it's horrible.

i wrote that some time ago, but then i got distracted and went comfort shopping or something. i'm doing a bit better currently. i just feel terribly alone often. i mean i live with ilmari whom i obviously love immensely and have nice colleagues but almost all my friends have moved away, and the majority of those who still live here... well, i feel like i've grown apart from them and simply don't like them anymore. of course i have a few close friends that i really enjoy spending time with, but i'm craving the kind of friendship when you just watch mtv and get tipsy before noon. i guess i need friends who live close by, and by close by i mean tops three blocks away, so it's not such a commitment to meet. and although living with ilmari is the only way i want it, i miss living with a roommate, or living with the roommates i've had, because those were lovely times and casually hanging out was so easy.

i'm feeling conflicted about work, some days i even enjoy it, and some days i just cry all the time because i hate it. it's gotten better because i've had more humane shifts and haven't had to work for 8 days in a row for a bit, but that means less money, too. and it's also that i know i'm just 21, but since i don't really have any plans on studying anything for a long time, and possibly ever, i feel like my work should be something i could take a bit more pride in. and let's face it, it's simply a dead end. lately i've felt very drawn to doing something basic, like fixing things or building stuff. i would love to learn to program or write more or learn to draw. and ilmari thinks much of my anxiety comes from not learning anything and not doing anything real, and i think he's right. i'm also probably going to quit most social media, because it poisons me, and it's kind of passé anyway.

i've taken down my drinking so much. a year and a half ago i drank at least four days a week. until yesterday i had gone for three weeks without being drunk, first time since i've been 17 probably. i haven't felt like doing drugs either. cigarettes i've been craving like crazy, and yesterday i gave in a smoked a pack but today i really couldn't imagine smoking at all, and it's not all due to the bottle of wine i drank yesterday, although it surely is partially.

we're going to watch season 3 of hell's kitchen now. i've learned to keep my phone off, and today i feel no pressure to do anything grand just because it's my day off.

13 May 2012 @ 10:16 pm

having no face is all the rave.


i'm quite well. partying a lot and stuff. turning 20 the day after the day after tomorrow.
12 January 2012 @ 05:19 pm
"long time, no post" and so on, y'know.

i've been spending most of my last month in krippes bed playing minecraft and sims 3 at the same time on different laptops while he's been playing wow.

this week i went to school on monday, got enough and went on a three day booze binge with melinda. today when i woke up my shelf which contains all my material possessions, except my clothes, had fallen over. no fucking idea how. as the cherry on top, my keys were somewhere under that mess, but i found them now so i'll be able to go and buy some cigarettes and cheese.

the reason why i'm even updating is because i'm alone at home, sober, aka bored, which is extremely rare (mainly the being home part, don't worry). i'll probably make pasta and watch gossip girl or frasier because if i leave there's an alarming chance the only way i'll come back is past 4am, shit smashed and in a cab i can't afford.

howeverrrrrr! krippe's having a gig tomorrow at nosturin alakerta. so if anyone's in helsinki and without a destination for some friday fun fun, i warmly recommend sparkly boy band pop (don't be put off by their dumb name, btw).

i'll end this with a charming pic of myself:

Current Mood: bored
21 September 2011 @ 03:48 pm
プラ ♥
18 September 2011 @ 04:31 pm

thank goodness krippe knew this song bcuz it's kept getting stuck in my head for days after every visit to dtm.

on friday i had a 90s themed party. nobody ever takes pix at my parties(!!!1 :((( ) so don't have any pix of it. on second thought, i never have pix of anything except my own face really, now do i? oh well. it was nice.

i need to get a new piercing but i have no idea where. this is causing me great misery.

some recent camwhoring:

and oh well, i guess i'll just have to admit it. like most of the internet, i've pretty much abandoned lj and switched to this. in case you're interested in frequent bad quality pictures of me with the same expression but changing clothes (damn fine clothes, in my defense).

ohhhh and, on wednesday i was photographed to hel-looks again. it'll be published later 2nite. pretty sure i look like a total dork because i had 10 minutes to dress up and do my make up that morning but oh well. AT LEAST SOMEONE STILL THINKS I'M STYLISH!!!!!!1
Current Mood: good
24 May 2011 @ 03:18 pm
i haaaaaaaaaaaaaateeeeeeeeeeeee dietinggggggggggggggggggggggg. and everyone's busy and nobody's has time to come and eat rabbit food with me. but i just remembered i have a broccoli in my fridge. so i'll eat that. raw broccoli.

then i'll have to go and buy a new bra because i haven't been doing for laundry for ages and have no clean ones.

i've been awake since forever bc i had a really random nightmare. one name: the groke. then i put on tons of make up and lashes and all and then i realized i look like a complete idiot and took them off and now i look like a human being again.

the other day i was telling nipa what happens in season 4 of gossip girl and started crying when explaining about chuck and blair. chuck & blair 4EVAH ♥

gpoy. + new sunglasses
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: suurlähettiläät - kun tänään lähden in my head
11 October 2010 @ 09:41 pm
 figured i'd update so it this won't turn into whinojournal. lololo.

haven't been to school since tuesday. probably going tomorrow tho because i miss my buddies (although i met many of them on saturday when we went drinking ex tempore after i came home from my grandma).

now we're waiting for tomas and aino to come over and then do something greattt.

i went and picked up my hair extensions today! my own hair's just in such a shitty condition you can pretty easily tell most of it is fake. omg. i look like a dumbass girl.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: kristian playing stepmania