i really wish to keep this alive, at least when i remember that wish. even though old entries always make one cringe, it's still dandy to read them after years.
three months and two days ago, ilmari and i moved together. it was very soon, since we've only know each other for a year and a half and i've always frowned upon people who commit too fast, but i've come to realize committing is key.
currently i'm feeling extremely mellow, and a tiny bit melancholic. it's a perfect autumn morning, the sun is shining and the air is crisp. i've been very sad lately, i don't know why. it might just be because of work. i feel like everything is moving so rapidly, yet standing still. i have no direction, but my life almost feels as it's over. i don't know how to relax anymore. i never read any books anymore, i've lost my ability to appreciate trivial things. when i have days off i just hang around the house and spend hours on the internet which always ends up pissing me off. i'm having several appointments for psychiatrists, psychologists and regular doctors and i'm trying to get them to prescribe me xanax or whatever, to sell, i tell myself and everyone, but on the other hand i really just want my mind to be misty. on sunday i suddenly realized i felt like myself for the first time in weeks. i felt like the loving, loser, happy person i am. lately i've been so tired and sad and snappy it's horrible.
i wrote that some time ago, but then i got distracted and went comfort shopping or something. i'm doing a bit better currently. i just feel terribly alone often. i mean i live with ilmari whom i obviously love immensely and have nice colleagues but almost all my friends have moved away, and the majority of those who still live here... well, i feel like i've grown apart from them and simply don't like them anymore. of course i have a few close friends that i really enjoy spending time with, but i'm craving the kind of friendship when you just watch mtv and get tipsy before noon. i guess i need friends who live close by, and by close by i mean tops three blocks away, so it's not such a commitment to meet. and although living with ilmari is the only way i want it, i miss living with a roommate, or living with the roommates i've had, because those were lovely times and casually hanging out was so easy.
i'm feeling conflicted about work, some days i even enjoy it, and some days i just cry all the time because i hate it. it's gotten better because i've had more humane shifts and haven't had to work for 8 days in a row for a bit, but that means less money, too. and it's also that i know i'm just 21, but since i don't really have any plans on studying anything for a long time, and possibly ever, i feel like my work should be something i could take a bit more pride in. and let's face it, it's simply a dead end. lately i've felt very drawn to doing something basic, like fixing things or building stuff. i would love to learn to program or write more or learn to draw. and ilmari thinks much of my anxiety comes from not learning anything and not doing anything real, and i think he's right. i'm also probably going to quit most social media, because it poisons me, and it's kind of passé anyway.
i've taken down my drinking so much. a year and a half ago i drank at least four days a week. until yesterday i had gone for three weeks without being drunk, first time since i've been 17 probably. i haven't felt like doing drugs either. cigarettes i've been craving like crazy, and yesterday i gave in a smoked a pack but today i really couldn't imagine smoking at all, and it's not all due to the bottle of wine i drank yesterday, although it surely is partially.
we're going to watch season 3 of hell's kitchen now. i've learned to keep my phone off, and today i feel no pressure to do anything grand just because it's my day off.